Devil's blood

Everybody has been poppin' me the question lately. Well, not THE question, but A question that I dislike more than most. The question "when are you and Jon going to have another one?" gets asked of me literally, not figuratively, on a daily basis. Not only do they ask, these folks tell. "It's your turn." "You're next." "Nicholas is getting older." "You really don't want your children so far apart do you?" While I know that people really mean no harm by the questions and comments, they hurt me more than anyone can know. Truth is, when someone says any of these things to me, I immediately have flashbacks. Eyeballs on fire, tears, pain, agony, fear, and of course lack of sleep, poopy diapers, spit up, drool (oh my the drool). I do my best to be polite.. My rehearsed answer is usually "not right now but maybe in the future". Honestly though, another child scares the shit out of me. (Pardon my language, crap wouldn't be sufficient here) Even some of my closest friends do not know what I went through after Nick's delivery or the severity of it. I had major blood pressure complications. These complications gave my doctor only 1 option. The morning after my precious baby was born, I had to go on a medicine called Magnesium. Take my word for it, this medicine is extracted straight from the blood of the Devil himself. The magnesium was intended to help draw fluid off of me so I didn't die basically; however, dying would have probably been less miserable. My whole body was on fire! I literally thought there were flames coming out of my eyeballs. It hurt to move, to talk, and to be touched. My brand new baby couldn't be left alone with me. I couldn't hold him. I couldn't feed him. I could not enjoy the newness of him because I was miserable. 24 hours of hell, and I still felt awful after coming off of the magnesium.

After leaving the hospital, I was taken back to the doctor to inspect my incision. I had fluid leaking out (tmi sorry). While on the table in the doctors office, they had to re-cut me open on a portion of my incision. No anesthesia. Alone. Fluid poured from my stomach. It hurt. I was embarassed. I wondered what had happened. I was scared because I had no idea what was happening. Turns out I had a seroma. Which is a pocket of fluid that builds up when the outside heals before the inside. The result of this was 6 weeks of hell.. Not feeling well, having an open wound, having to get it packed twice a day, and visiting the doctor's office once sometimes twice a week. The precious moments of my baby's first 2 months of life were over shadowed by my own health problems.

Selfish. It would be selfish of me to choose to have a baby. I want another baby eventually. While no one would come right out and say it, I know that my weight and health problems had something if not everything to do with my complications. I can not knowingly place an unborn child in danger because I'm selfish enough to get pregnant when I am not in good health. Maybe one day, when I'm healthier and more financially stable, my sweet hubby and I will have a serious discussion about whether or not to have a child. When I was 16, I was told that I would have a very hard time getting pregnant, and then Nicholas came to be unexpectedly. I do NOT want to take this sweet miracle God has blessed me with for granted. I must lose weight, get my insulin levels down, and lower my blood pressure before I will even think about having another. This road is NOT easy. I struggle on a daily basis to eat healthy, exercise, and make good choices. Sometimes I slip up, but it's how we bounce back that matters the most! 

Plus, what's the rush? I'm only 26, my female goodness has much life left in it's years. 

What am I doing?

Have you ever been in the middle of a crowded room, sitting quietly by yourself, or with your closest friends and had the random thought? The random thought that eats away at you. What am I doing with myself? What am I doing with this life? What am I doing with my health, my career?

Yeah, so have I. More times than I can count. Absolutely ALL of these things cross my mind fairly often. These thoughts are fairly common though. We are always evolving, changing, learning, and growing. As humans, it is in our nature to never be satisfied with ourselves, and the truth is, we always have room to grow, learn, change, and evolve. No single person here is perfect. That is a fact. We spend so much time being so hard on ourselves, and trying to be "perfect" that we forget to notice how truly fantastic we are. We all have fantastic qualities, and we all bring something to the table that someone else is lacking. It's time we start noticing those things we've worked so hard to get, and the people we've worked so hard to become. Change is inevitable. Many times we change without realizing a single thing is different. Sometimes others notice changes before we notice them ourselves, and maybe they don't like our changes, but usually their lack of approval stems from their own self doubt.

So next time you stop and think, "what am I doing with myself?" The answer is 

Exactly what you should be doing. Making mistakes, learning lessons, messing up, and growing. These are not negatives.. These are the positives. Be you. Whoever that is..be that person. 

You're beautiful. 

The 25 year old view

I felt the need to write today. It has been a while. If I wrote my daily thoughts here, someone would take me to the crazy house, but there are some things that have been weighing on my mind heavily for a month or so...

       I've noticed that the older I get...the easier it is to see where I stand with others. As sad as it is, 10 years ago I never would have guessed I'd have this view... It's difficult to stay at the same level as others when your life has progressed so much faster, and I am definitely not a perfect person, friend, wife, or mother, but I do the best I know how with the cards I've been dealt, and I understand that it's difficult for people to know what you're going through when they've never been down that road, but it's still hard to accept the fact that things are really THAT different. I mean I have friends that are just now getting pregnant, and my sweet boy just turned 5. Last year I celebrated my 5th anniversary, as one of my friends got married. I have a friend going through a divorce. We're all at different places in our lives, and nearly the same age. How do you keep up..how do you stay the way you've always been. It's nice to enjoy things with friends that I went through years ago. It's sometimes difficult though to see how everyone reacts to things now versus when I was there. Age really does change people. At 19 who was really thinking about having a baby? Yeah...neither was I, but I made some different decisions,and God blessed me with the most perfect gift. Lord knows where I would be had he not given me my sweet baby. Yeah there are MANY things that I always say I wish I had done first, but the truth is, when I look back, I have no vision of where I would have gone or what I would have done with myself. This is just where I was meant to be. I have many friends, but my 2 best are my boys...and sometimes it's hard to understand that, but others will get there one day too. When your life changes, you change. When its not all about going out on the weekends or the next trip you can take with the girls, it will be understood. When its more about t-ball games and pizza houses, it will be understoood. When its difficult to leave for 1 day, more or less a whole weekend, it will be understood. When a little human depends on absolutely everything you do, say, and feel, I hope that it will be understood. I'm doing the best that I can even when my heart hurts, and I feel like I've had enough...

<3 Ash

Week 1 results

Okay so I'm a day late in posting my week 1 results, but thankfully my awesome friend Kelle harassed me about it this morning :) 

I will start off by saying I wasn't 100% committed this week. I cheated a couple of times with my good friend carbohydrate, but for the most part I stuck with it and turned down some "devil" foods. Yay a victory! Lol

So.. Drumroll please.........week one I lost 4 lbs!!! I would say that is a pretty good start :)

On the calendar for the upcoming week is lots of tball, football, and my 2nd 5k with some of my favorite gals! I'm ready to get colored again :) and hopefully I will have more recipes to share this week, so be ready for some crazy things that the hubs and I come up with. (By the way the hubby gained a pound this week :( bless him he dropped 40 lbs in 6 months without trying and now that he's trying.. He gained. Maybe he's just trying to make me feel better..hmm..could be!)

Kickin chicken, Hawaii, and harassment

Hello everyone! It has been a while since my last post. I hate to say that I had lost focus for a while on my weight loss journey, but I'm back at it now. I will be requiring myself to make frequent blog posts to share my progress. Knowing that I have a responsibility to share progress encourages me to be more strict. I've designated 1 day a week to be "weigh-in" Wednesday, so if I haven't made a post by Thursday morning please do me a favor and hound me :). I need my friends and family to help me hold myself accountable. I will also be sharing recipes that I've used to help me stay on track. Most of these recipes will be very low carb, and my hope is that I will be able to help someone else that struggles like I do. 

I love my job! With that said, the folks in my department love to EAT! We celebrate and mourn with food. Today is our manager'a 50th birthday, so guess what that means? If you guessed FOOD, you're 100% correct. Snack day at its best, along with an ugly Hawaiian shirt contest to emphasize the theme, Hawaii 5-0! Cute right? The recipe I chose was a low carb one, and unfortunately, I am not one that measures when cooking, but I'm going to do my best to explain in a way that allows you to recreate this delicious snack food. 

Kickin' Buffalo Chicken Spirals

Ingredients

1 pack of low carb tortillas (8ct)

1 8oz pack of cream cheese softened

Any blend of shredded cheese (I used Colby jack)

Franks Red Hot Sauce

Pace Picante Salsa

3 precooked chicken breasts

Ranch

Shred chicken and place into a bowl. Add 1 tablespoon of ranch

Add 2 tablespoons of Red Hot

( taste is the best way to tell if you have enough of each) add more or less accordingly

Place softened cream cheese in separate bowl.

Add 2 tablespoons of Franks Red Hot and 1/4 cup of Salsa

Mix well. 

Spread cream cheese mixture on tortilla, add chicken, then sprinkle cheese.

Roll up tight

Repeat for remaining tortillas

Place in refrigerator over night or in the freezer for 1 hour.

Remove and cut into bite size sections.

Super easy and delicious, and they will be a hit!! 

Adjust hot sauce according to your taste buds ;) I like mine a little milder. 

Hope everyone has a happy Monday, and remember to harass me if I haven't made a post by THURSDAY on my Week 1 results!

Change

Change...I think this is the most thrown around word in every person's vocabulary (besides the "L" word of course). We never have enough, need more, wish someone would, and hate it all at the same time. I am guilty myself, of always preaching about change, but running a mouth will not make anything happen. You cannot continue to do the things you've always done, the way you've always done them, and expect different results. I always have these wonderful ideas in my head with no real way to implement them, and if I do try to implement them, I never follow through. My work partner always says, "the only thing constant around here is change." While we complain about things always changing, we demand more changes. 1 truth is that we're human, and we are NEVER satisfied. The 2nd truth is that without change we wouldn't evolve, grow, or learn. 2013 is my year for change. I am forcing changes into my life because I am finally over seeing the same results. I went "crazy" last week and cut up all my credit cards. Yup! Just call me weird. Now THAT is something I can be proud of. Now to evict the many lbs of unwanted fat that have taken up residence in my lower belly, upper arms, thighs, & face. Watch out fat..eviction notice is on its way!!! & change is definitely hap-nin-nin (haha Jess that one is for you!!!)  I'm promising myself changes that will be beneficial to me & my family. When I promise change, I will follow through. I don't have a choice anymore...this is something I HAVE to do.

Side note: My first 5k is on March 30th! I am so excited to be running the Color Run in Nashville with all of my favorite people!!!! yay!

Times Gone By...

     I hate to be the ungrateful one, but I will say that the 1 thing I remember the most about 2012 is heartbreak, pain, sadness, sickness, and brokenness. I'm not sure I've ever been more ready for a year to end a new one to begin.

     You see for all 24 years of my life, there has been this man that I considered a rock, as a constant in my world. He would shower me with kisses, hugs, and more love than anyone could ever image. He would kiss away my boo boos, share stories, laughter, strawberry candies, IBC cream soda, ice cream from the ice cream man, take me shopping, spoil me, let me shoot Mr. Clean bottles with a BB gun, and most of all never judged me as anything other than perfect. He would always think of the little things. He complimented new hair styles, new clothes, and he always noticed if you'd lost a little weight. Although some may have viewed him as stern or harsh ( with his former Marine background), he was nothing but gentle and sweet when it came to his grandbabies. This man always had a smile on his face, and even when he wasn't feeling well, he did all that he could to make everyone feel like it was all going to be okay...and then June happened. June 2012 was when my families worst fears came to life.. My sweet Granddaddy was diagnosed with blastic plasmacytoid dendritic cell neoplasm which is a horrible, aggressive cancer. In my eyes, he was handed his death sentence. This horrible disease is a mix between a lymphoma and leukemia with no cure and no answers. We watched him get weaker and sicker as the days went on. In and out of the hospital, but I swear whenever I saw him he always put a smile on. We spent as much time as we could with him, and let him see his great grandchildren as much as the doctors would allow (due to the severely weakened immune system)..needless to say..you all know my story here doesn't end well. On November 28th, around 10:30 in the morning, this man who has always been there for me, was called home. He put up the biggest fight, and he kept fighting until we told him it was okay to let go. I cannot describe to anyone the amount of pain that I felt at that moment and that I still feel today. Without Granddaddy, everything is just a little empty...just a little bit colder..He took a part of my heart with him that day, and I will not be whole until I can be with him again sometime. It hurts. It's hard. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, the tears still spill over the dam I've built throughout the years, but I have a wonderful support system, and though this has been painful for my entire family, we have been there for each other through every tear, every sob, every memory, and every fear. I appreciate them more than my words could ever explain...

2012 has taught me many things..
1. Life is so very short.
2. Do not take 1 thing for granted.
3. You can never say "I love you" too much when you mean it.
4. Make time for your family
5. You always have time for a goodbye kiss or hug
6. Staying angry doesn't solve anything
7. 3's are much worse than the 2's
8. my 3 year old will repeat things especially cuss words.
9. if Friends are real friends, they aren't friends at all, they're family
10. we don't decide our fate
11. You never know until you try.
12. CANCER SUCKS!


Pardon my language, but I would like to give 2012 a swift kick in the ass!

I'm eager to see what journey's 2013 has in store for me. If I made it through the storms of 2012, I know I can make it through any valley or shadow of 2013. Bring it on....just Bring it on.