I felt the need to write today. It has been a while. If I wrote my daily thoughts here, someone would take me to the crazy house, but there are some things that have been weighing on my mind heavily for a month or so...
I've noticed that the older I get...the easier it is to see where I stand with others. As sad as it is, 10 years ago I never would have guessed I'd have this view... It's difficult to stay at the same level as others when your life has progressed so much faster, and I am definitely not a perfect person, friend, wife, or mother, but I do the best I know how with the cards I've been dealt, and I understand that it's difficult for people to know what you're going through when they've never been down that road, but it's still hard to accept the fact that things are really THAT different. I mean I have friends that are just now getting pregnant, and my sweet boy just turned 5. Last year I celebrated my 5th anniversary, as one of my friends got married. I have a friend going through a divorce. We're all at different places in our lives, and nearly the same age. How do you keep up..how do you stay the way you've always been. It's nice to enjoy things with friends that I went through years ago. It's sometimes difficult though to see how everyone reacts to things now versus when I was there. Age really does change people. At 19 who was really thinking about having a baby? Yeah...neither was I, but I made some different decisions,and God blessed me with the most perfect gift. Lord knows where I would be had he not given me my sweet baby. Yeah there are MANY things that I always say I wish I had done first, but the truth is, when I look back, I have no vision of where I would have gone or what I would have done with myself. This is just where I was meant to be. I have many friends, but my 2 best are my boys...and sometimes it's hard to understand that, but others will get there one day too. When your life changes, you change. When its not all about going out on the weekends or the next trip you can take with the girls, it will be understood. When its more about t-ball games and pizza houses, it will be understoood. When its difficult to leave for 1 day, more or less a whole weekend, it will be understood. When a little human depends on absolutely everything you do, say, and feel, I hope that it will be understood. I'm doing the best that I can even when my heart hurts, and I feel like I've had enough...
<3 Ash
